Lyrics & Writing

Lyrics & Writing

“ESC Kids”

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ESC Kids

Music & Lyric by Matheson Bayley, 2004

To the tune of Rock 'n' Roll Kids

Verse 1:

I remember Sjúbídú
A-Ba-Ni-Bi, Boom Βang-Α Bloody Βang & Diggey-Friggin’-Loo
“Yama Yama”’s, “Bana Bana”’s, “La, La, La”’s, “Ding Dang Dong”’s
– Sophisticated songs!
Noel Kelehan and Ossi Runne – where are you?
Terry Wogan – what a rogue! – ‘n’ Johnny Logan too
No-one’s better than such a veteran
Nowadays are sour days – Yes, the Eurovision’s gone down the pan

Chorus 1:

We were the ESC kids
Jury votes were all we did
And Germany would never ever ever give Turkey the douze
Then televoting came along
Now quality’s irrelevant
– Pick any song
Just give ’em belly dancers, somersaults and trannies if you don’t wanna lose

Verse 2:

I used to have a go at Croat, and Danish vowels
Oh how I hungered for Hungarian and Hebrew growls
Though we had no choice
We had a patriotic voice

Now Finns have finished singing in the Finnish tongue
No longer will we hear the phlegm of Flemish sung
We were, when we were young
A polyglottal lot
Whichever fool made up the Free Language rule
Should be publicly shot

Chorus 2:

Before we had the likes
Of announcing votes by satellite and radio mikes
Luxembourg and Italy were the names of the game
But then the contest took a knock
We were invaded by the Eastern Block
And in case this sounded racist – relegation’s to blame

Verse 3:

Now ABBA’s been ‘n’ gone; Céline Dion’s still here
But these days even entering can end a career
Though she was hoping for fame
Whatever happened to…What’s her name?

I used to dream of being chef d’orchestre
With a brolly as a baton in Napoleon dress
But should playback remain
My dream’s down the drain
Better rally the Musicians’ Union and campaign

Chorus 3:

We were the ESC kids
VHS was all we did
Though Bucks Fizz got kinda fuzzy – and tracking couldn’t fix their strip-tease
But now we beg, steal or borrow – from afar
Thanks to Napster, Bearshare, Morpheus, Soulseek, and Kazaa
Goodbye videos – hello DVDs and free mp3s

Verse 4:

A theory has been posited that ev’ry man
Is obviously closeted unless a fan
And most probably a friend of Dorothy

The plagiarism recently is sad but true
Del Bo and R Kelly are due to sue
More retro than het’ro; rich in kitsch Euro-trash: an abundant source
But sheesh, would you rather pastiche or Father Ted’s “Lovely Horse”?

Chorus 4:

From the Hans Christian Anderson couplets that didn’t scan with rhymes that jar
To the “A long time ago, was it?” Ulrika faux pas
The standard of presenters is the start of a slippery slope
Now Albania, Andorra, Belarus, have songs to send
And there’s the full Serbian-Monty – where does it end?
Well, I hear next year the Vatican is entering a rap by the Pope

Coda:

English lyrics used to rhyme
But that was once upon a blue-moon
Now we’ll never hear an oboe live…
Katie Boyle’ll never be revived…

And every has-been has already been
A decent song will never win
And with this manufactured boy-band thing
We still have puppets on a string

With this bluff your way in English stuff
Our grammar suffers rough and tough
With syntax lax and off the cuff
– (As if Maltish wasn’t bad enough!)

I say, those were the days my friend
Before the sing-in-English trend
We’ll never hear Norwegian sung
So La Det Swing – it von’t be svung!

Knock, knock!
– Who’s there?
A treat in store…
A star behind the myst’ry door
Who could it be? Now, don’t confer…
It’s Linda Martin! – Ugh! Why her?

And Michael Flatley – what a chap!
We clapped and clapped his Irish tap
Before the votes, to fill the gap
All recent acts are utter crap
I’d give that Barbie Girl a slap
If given half a chance!
No, we’re never gonna Riverdance… …Anymore!

Matheson Bayley © 2004
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