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Lyrics & Writing

“The Elements Song: Part II”

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The Elements Song: Part II

Music & Lyric by Matheson Bayley, 2005

No, Lehrer made no oversight by leaving out lawrencium
A lot can happen overnight — he had a good defensium
It took the Yanks with thanks to Russia to discover Rutherfordium
Poor Kurchatov! Just search above…his name got no award-ium

Then came hahnium, dubbed dubnium, with dubious applications
More protons in its nucleus than Cruella has dalmatians!
But seaborgium and bohrium may bore us to delirium
With the mass of heavy hassium appearing near meitnerium

I’d ratify Darmstadt if I were known as ununnilium
An element may well lament a name that sounds so silly-um
And I wonder of röntgenium (another name that's funny-um)…
Did he earn a lot of money-um for naming unununium?

There’s ununbium, ununtrium, ununquadium, ununpentium, ununoctium, and unenunciable ununhexium
And one day, theoretically, we could have googolplexium
But as the periodic table starts to further its frontierium
For an atom that unstable, why not label it Lehrerium?!

— We’ll have ourselves a ‘Tom-Atom’ and then an ‘Atomic Tom-Atom Bomb’!

∼∼∼

And now I shall subject you to a subject subatomical
From isotopes and microscopes to problems astronomical
The photon, the electron, wave or particle duality
The proton and the neutron and the nature of reality

There's the yoctoscopic topic of the moment of creation
We want to make a quantum state without the fluctuation
For incompatibility had Einstein a proclivity
So he never got the hang of the big bang and relativity

Schwarzschild studied singularities, but Albert was above it
He lost control and told him a black hole where he could shove it!
Oh, what would Isaac Newton say about all this depravity…?
It was tough enough to grapple with an apple tree and gravity!)

∼∼∼

Then things really started to get complicated
Ever wondered who put the sigh into science?

They were right to ponder: “Might that antimatter matter matter?”
And how the tau ’n’ C’labi-Yau made trickier the patter
Quirky quarks are strange, a charming range, like bottoms, ups ’n’ antitops
The tempo of this melody should really be andante — tops!

There’s mesotron and positron and baryon and thermion
And lepton, kaon, pion, hadron, hyperon and fermion
The slepton and selectron, the gaugino and photino
And we know the gluino and the teeny-weeny wino

Neutralino and chargino and the bino and the zino…)

Oh, it’s been observed that space is curved by gravitons abundant
And when they’re found, we’ll spin around, and God will be redundant
We'll soon transverse the universe by opening a wormhole
But no hopping on a rocket if you’re hoping to return whole!

There's a ruck in supersymmetry and muons are a mystery
It's struck our brains we're stuck on branes from gluons’ early history
The list goes on: the weak boson, neutrinos in their surplasses…
And Hell knows where the Higgs have gone or what the f*** their purpose is!

Higgs boson!
Higgs boson!
And Hell knows where the Higgs have gone or what the f*** their purpose, purpose is!

∼∼∼

From dark energy detected in the background radiation
We think we've cracked the cosmic fact of our acceleration
Let's not relax and pat our backs, despite the strong temptation
It may be just our egos that are prone to such inflation

Now parallel realities sound more like science fiction
They say all things are made of strings but can't test one prediction
They speak with such conviction, not a hint they might be joking
(I'm hoping to procure a little bit of what they're smoking)

But why reject cause and effect — the cosmic chain reaction;
The predetermined universe and physical attraction?
If up until they prove free will, you claim it's an illusion
We can all commit adultery and blame atomic fusion!

We may be in a multiverse or floating in a bubble?
Perhaps I am a hollogram or am I seeing double?
We turn our hopes to telescopes like Hooker, Keck or Hubble
It is our understanding that the cosmos is expanding
But it could be worse, it may reverse, and then we'll in trouble!
Universe in trouble!
Imploding on the double!
The odds are stacked it may contract: ay, there's the rub…ble!

We failed to hurdle Gödel and his theorems mathematical
And Heisenberg's uncertainty and particles erratical
For all we try to falsify, our methods are inductive
But did Popper come a cropper, or is science still constructive?

If anything is possible and nothing is objective
What we think we know we thought we knew we knew may be defective
But a clever chap avoids (would heed) the trap that has so often caught us
So our planet may be spinning on a giant bloody tortoise!”

A 3-D world is one thing but eleven’s problematical
I think it's time for physicists to take a group sabbatical
So let's prepare to look elsewhere for universal theories:
Just open up the Bible if you’ve any other queries!

∼∼∼

The day we solve these mysteries about which I’ve been talking
Will be the day this song is sung by Dr Stephen Hawking!

Matheson Bayley © 2005
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